Colors of the true self
The Last Hour of Life
I would like to be in my home, on my reclining couch, or hospital bed if needed, but in the living room, not all hidden away in the bedroom. I would like my house to be in pretty good order, cleaned and organized, not a lot of clutter around. I would like my husband to be there and my brother, Greg and sister, Lisa. Possibly my friends Kris and Jenni, maybe just seeing them in the prior days is better, and only really, really, close family there for such an intimate moment. I do not want a lot of people around, like Dave’s family, especially the sisters in law. They are very doing oriented and would want something to do when all I would need is people who can be. Not a lot of frantic activity and sadness by people who were not around during my life. Why would I want to share this special moment with them? I feel it could take away from Dave’s ability to be present for me. I don’t know how I could get them not to come until after I had passed. After I pass, they could do their doing behavior and clean and cook for Dave and the family.
I want enough medication so that I was not in a great deal of pain and feel good, but not so much I am out of it. I want the music Epitaph, by EJ Gold playing and some candles, no scents, please. I would like a cup of hot tea ready if I want it. I want the curtains to remain open, no covering of the shades, as I have seen with Dave’s mothers passing. The sisters in law thought it would give privacy but really it created a depressing mood over the whole house. I want my special blanket, even if I end up dying in the hospital. I also want a hospice worker closely involved and on call to help the family to deal with my body and to take away some of the awkward decisions of when to take the body and such. The hospice can be a great help to the family and to me as well.
I want to be able to talk freely and not have people trying to get me to say if it is my time to go. I will have wanted to deal with a lot of the emotions to be dealt with or at least addressed them so that the moment of dying is not the time they are coming to terms with the fact that yes, indeed, I am dying.
I want to be able to hold Dave’s hand and be able to look into his eyes and let him know how much I love him. I want a peaceful time with others handling the phone and the other people visiting and being able to tell them to leave if necessary, or at least stay in the background. I don’t want a lot of people at my death that were not there for my life. I want no one there under obligation. If some of my family cannot handle the moment of death, they should not feel required to stay, only if it felt right to them. I will understand. It will be scary for them and I wouldn’t want to force that kind of shock on anyone.
I am not sure yet if I want ABD readings to be going on. I do not want to feel I have to spend my last moments required to listen or participate in a reading. If a reading was being done, I just don’t want to miss my goodbyes by being required to listen a reading. I want to be free to do whatever comes up for me naturally, (and I don’t know what state I will be in) and not have a pre-prescribed schedule to follow.
I want my sister to be the one using our guest room, not Dave’s family, unless it is his sister, only. I don’t want to be with people every second wanting me to say things or do things. I want to be free to be myself, whatever that turns out to be.
The Memorial Service
Due to Dave’s large family a memorial will have to more formal than if it was just my family. I realize we should accommodate the needs of the group as a whole. First off, I want to be cremated, no coffin for me, and my ashes to be spread at Homefarm, in the cemetery there, at a later date. I want my ashes to come home with Dave until time to spread them. I will work on this section more.
============================================================
Part 2
I decided to leave my first entry and just add to it as it is a real part of my process. I realize that my first entry was very practical, dealing with the physical side. I suppose this is due to the fact that I, having stage 4 breast cancer, have been told that I could not be cured. What we can do is keep the cancer at bay and extend my time. This medical treatment is balanced with holding back the cancer and also to have the best quality of life possible. I have been in such a mode of going to the doctor that I have seen my last hours and can know with some certainty the way that I will go. I’m not sure when, but it is a matter of a few years, so I am very aware of the final physical details. What I did not address was the clear light and my merging, blending with the stream of energy that we all came from. I hope to become closer to my souls side of passing and not just the physical details. In reading other posts, I have realized how plain and physically oriented my posting is. How much in my mind I have been. Being so close to death, I am unable to ignore the physical details, but I am also closer to the source than I have ever been before. A calmness that is hard to describe.
I want to be open to the clear light and I want to be able to follow my guide, using the words to navigate through the bardos. I want to be able to accept my passing and not let the fear overwhelm me. I had a near death experience this year and at first I was so panicked that I couldn’t breathe and told my husband I didn’t know if I would make it. All the sudden a deep calm overtook me and it was okay if I stayed or passed. I just need to remember that when it really is the time, I will try to relax into it, allowing myself to be drawn into the void. I know that I will be okay. I will be leaving my body, but my being will be okay. Yes, it will be a different form, and I hope to learn more about transit before I go, but I have a deep knowing that it will be okay. Now if I can remember that at the time, I will have it easier than if I am still fearful and resistant. It is scary to be on the verge. It is hard to think of letting go of all of the people and how my passing will affect them. It seems I am having a hard time letting it go.
Some of the posts are so glowing and perfect. I myself still have fear. Fear of passing, of pain, of lack of breath, of losing my people, of the death rattle. I have thought and thought and am realizing that thinking is not the answer. I just still have a ways to go to being accepting. I think I am ready but when I actually picture the last hour I don’t know if I will have the courage to stay at home or if I will want to go to the hospital to see if there is some way to make it more comfortable, or postpone my death. I have really pictured the last hours and have felt the panic. Will I have the courage to stay home? I don’t know. I don’t know how to let go yet. It is strange having a doctor tell you that you are dying. I can’t run and hide. No avoiding anymore. It is not some far off future that is unknown. I am so blessed to have this class at this point it is impossible to not to see the coincidence. I am lucky to have such a group to help me to not only accept but to embrace my passing, knowing I will have a guide to walk me through. Life is funny, you may not get what you want but I sure am getting what I need. The question is how to shake this pesky body and dive into the unknown.
Each night before bed, I read one of the bardo stations and hold it, remembering, some of the spaces I do remember and others I am just meditating on, getting a feel for the different spaces. The day I almost died, I was alone most of the day. I remember being very restless. I could not get comfortable and found myself wandering from the couch to the bathroom. All day long, I would go back and forth, without a real reason. I thought if I could puke, I would feel better, but no matter what I did, I could not puke. I would wander back to the couch only to get up a minute later and wander back. During the class last Wednesday, we read page 27, showing us signs of when we in the macro dimensions. One entry, “Compulsively walking from room to room in a house or apartment and you can’t seem to stop moving or to reduce the restlessness and agitation, yet you’re not actually in an anxiety state.” This is what I did all day, for about 10 hours. I was anxious though. I kept trying to reduce my restlessness but no matter what I did, I could not. At about 7pm, I finally called my brother and told him I could not breathe and was not doing well. He came right over and all he could do is just be with me. That is just what I needed. We tried to decide if I should go to the hospital or what. So I slowly started to dress, very slowly, and brush my hair, trying to be somewhat presentable. We tried to think of words to describe my situation to the doctor. It was very difficult to describe what was going on, I was just in another state and had a hard time talking and unable to articulate my condition. When my husband came home, around 9pm, we, my brother and I, tried to tell him what was going on and he decided to take me to the hospital. I probably should have gone many hours earlier but was unable to make the decision. I was so panicked and could not get any breath and didn’t really want to go to the hospital but by then I was incapable of any decision, so my husband took over. At the hospital, they were doing everything to get air into me and to make me relax and more comfortable. The panic had taken me over and I didn’t know if I would live or not. That is when I told my husband I wasn’t sure if I would make it. The doctor came to me, looked me directly in the eyes and asked if I wanted a DNR bracelet. He said that if I went on a breathing machine that I would probably never come off of it and that it would be harder to disconnect me at a later point. So, I had to make a decision right then and chose to go with DNR. The doctor thought I was so close to death that is was my best option. In another state I’m not sure I would have made the same choice. Still the panic was overwhelming me. The gasping for air, the fear of dying, the not knowing how to let go and not wanting to let go. I didn’t feel ready, not prepared to leave it all behind. I think I was more worried about my husband being okay than worried about myself. I wish I could have been more graceful in the moment, ready and accepting, ready to merge, but I was not. I was panicked like hell. After a while, and maybe because I had gotten some oxygen, I don’t know, but a calmness overcame me. I all the sudden felt that everything was going to be okay if I passed. I still wasn’t sure if I would live or not but somehow it was okay to pass. I have never felt calm like this. It was really okay whatever happened and all I had been holding on to became unimportant. It’s not that I wanted to die, but it became okay. I don’t really remember what happened for the next 2 days. I only have snippets of memory, like people visiting or doctors taking blood pressure. I was not really around to know what happened. My memory only started again as they were moving me to the hospital that my insurance covered. They moved me by ambulance, which I remember very little of. It is amazing that I have no memory. Where was I? There was no clear light, no seeing my body in the bed, none of the death stuff you read about. I just was not aware of anything. My husband told me later of the things that happened, of people visiting, but where was I? No telling, I guess I was just retreating enough, getting out of the way of my body so that it could recover. I wouldn’t have known if I had died. I wonder what it will be like to die; will I know I have passed? Will I be holding on to my body? Will I really be able to merge? It seems that a person could just die and take rebirth without even knowing what happened. Just end up as some baby somewhere, thinking that this was the beginning and not realizing that it was also the end of Susan. Why don’t I have memories of past lives? Did I have past lives and just die unconsciously only to take rebirth? Do our lessons go with us? I wonder why I am good at certain things, is it a carryover from a last life? How can I remain conscious throughout my death and how can I follow the directions of hearing in the bardos? I know now, from this experience, that it is not easy, it is not flowery, no birds were chirping and I was scared. I also know that at some point calm will take over and allow me to pass, allow me to get over the panic. This is a comfort to me. I now know that there is an end to the panic and fear. Now if I can only remember it when it really is my time.
So now I spend my time, first off doctoring. It is like a job going to appointments, going through chemotherapy and feeling crappy. I do also have time of great energy, clarity and know what is important and what small stuff is. I spend my time enjoying what I can. I color, listen to music and talk with friends. I also spend a lot of my time tying up loose ends, preparing for my death. I have been sorting my paperwork, getting rid of excess stuff to goodwill and trying not to leave a big mess for my loved ones. I also created a file which has phone numbers of people I want notified, of what I want my memorial to be like and I leave little love notes for my husband. Last week I looked it the file and found that I had already written a Valentine to my husband. So I am lucky to still be here to give it to him personally, but I wanted to make sure it existed even if I didn’t. I also have been trying to write down and tell my family what I want and that I love them. My time is more precious and I don’t worry so much about the little things. But still I forget. I am so thankful for this group, so that when I do forget, at least I get reminded on Wednesdays. I am also lucky that we are focusing on the ABD and can hope that when my time comes I can have some grace and courage about me. Thank you all for sharing in my journey.
==========================================
Part 3
I said in my 2nd posting that I had never felt calm like the calm that came over me when I was close to death. I was forgetting the car accident I had in my early 20’s. I was moving to California from Colorado. I had taken most of my stuff to storage and taken off my snow tires, it was April. My car was packed and the landlord was pressuring me to clean more. I did what I could but was rushed in my leaving, not to mention my brother, who I was caravanning with was pressuring me to get from my home in the mountains to Denver. With everything pulling at me I was not balanced. I neither cleaned enough nor made it to Denver on time. When I finally left the house, of course I was speeding to make up time and then a surprise snowstorm on Vail Pass. I was coming up to the top of a hill, unable to see over the other side. When I got to the top I saw a motor home towing a car was sideways, sliding and blocking the whole lane. I slammed on the brakes, I tried to pump them and tried to react but it was icy and the road was slick. I slide around all the way so I was facing the wrong direction then I flew off the side of the mountain. I literally went over the side of Vail Pass. My car rolled two full times and landed back on the wheels, hitting hard. My first thought was how I was going to drive the car. I noticed to window was gone so I jumped out, cutting myself on the glass. I was just standing there. The man that was driving the motor home was running down the hill to check on me. I was totally fine, except the small cut from the glass. As the man was running he fell and probably more hurt that I. So I went up to his motor home to wait for the ambulance, which I did not need, and to get the glass out of my clothing.
The whole point of sharing this story is the moments that the car was rolling. I was going very fast but time slowed way down. I simply watched the world go around while buckled in my seatbelt. I can remember every second, every nuance, every feeling. I experienced an incredible calmness. I was not scared I just watched as if a spectator. This is the same calmness that happened when I almost died in the hospital. I just realized that both experiences of being very close to death I have felt a great sense of calmness. Everything was okay. So now I know that when I do come to death again I will be okay. I can drop some of my fear and know that something else will take over and a different state will come over me, making it okay. Just wanted to share that realization.
With love, Susan
===================================
Entry 4
In keeping with my before death wrap up of my stuff, I have been going through photos and am creating a slide show of my life. At some memorials, I see people have created a slide show of the person who passed. I wonder how this can be created in such a short time, as is often done. I thought it would be a help to my loved ones to create this myself, plus I get to pick the photos that mean something to me. I also am creating files of pictures to be sent to others. It all has to go and I feel blessed that I have the time to disperse my items myself and give them to who I want. It is also very freeing and gives a sort of completion. I also am just going through my school yearbooks. I have cut out anything that means something and made a collage for each year. It not only clears up space but these things weigh a lot for my family to carry around. I can’t be sure what they will want to keep, but I can control what I leave for them to clean up. This clearing up loose ends is a lot of work that I’m happy to be able to do myself.
5 Responses to Susan K